Dick Cheney Chooses Lesser Evil Kamala, Will Cthulhu Seek Revenge?

Self-styled “Prince of Darkness” Dick Cheney once again managed to bewilder political strategists. In a move that sent shockwaves through the occult and political elite, Cheney, who many had assumed was aligned with deeper, darker forces, endorsed Kamala Harris in the upcoming 2024 election. Instead of choosing Cthulhu, the ancient cosmic horror who is running a wildly popular grassroots campaign for ultimate destruction, Cheney opted for something more traditional: a human candidate.

To those in the know, this endorsement is nothing short of a betrayal of cosmic proportions. For years, conspiracy theorists, deep-state enthusiasts, and Mythos scholars alike believed Cheney’s ties to dark, unspeakable forces went far beyond his record in office. Cheney’s critics—and some of his admirers—long suspected that his true loyalty was to Cthulhu, not to mere mortal politics. This is the man, after all, whose shadowy influence over the Bush administration from 2000 to 2008 earned him the reputation of the de-facto president during those years.

Cheney’s unexpected endorsement of Kamala Harris, however, has not thrown Cthulhu’s campaign into a cosmic turmoil.

Neocons and Necronomicon: The Cheney-Harris Axis

Tucker Carlson, the talk-show host and political provocateur, wasted no time weighing in on the situation. “What does Dick Cheney have in common with Kamala Harris?,” Carlson asked during Friday’s stop of the Tucker Carlson Live Tour in Colorado Springs, Colorado. “They have everything in common. They are both neocons… and if you think it’s okay to kill people in order to get rich, then you are on their side.”

Carlson’s theory aligns with the idea that the Democrats and Republicans are, in practice, two sides of the same coin. Amon Tellinger, Associate Professor of Political Science at Miskatonic State University, explains further: “It’s not shocking to see the hubris of all the top players who are attempting to create a global feudal estate join in solidarity,” Amon continued, “As Americans we’re told the two-party system is ‘democracy,’ yet we can openly observe both Democrats and Republicans, while not aligned on rhetoric, but are ideological comrades on issues concerning the global elite. This is why we see the Clinton clan embrace the Bush family and the Bushes give a little treat to the Obamas.”

But it wasn’t just Tucker Carlson and political academics who voiced concern over Cheney’s betrayal. Emily Darkhollow, a spokesperson for the Cthulhu campaign, released a statement that left little doubt about how Cthulhu’s camp views Cheney’s pivot toward more conventional evil.

Cthulhu’s Campaign Reacts: A Darker Future Awaits

“This is a real problem for the world elite who built their kingdoms on blood sacrifice,” Darkhollow told reporters. “The consequences of turning away from Cthulhu in favor of something as mundane as cash money will be entertaining for everyone to see. Let’s just say, when the stars align, Cheney may find that there are some forces you don’t betray lightly.”

Cthulhu’s campaign has recently gained real traction among voters disillusioned by the broken promises and infighting of the traditional parties. The appeal of cosmic annihilation has resonated deeply with a population weary of political gridlock and the rising inequality that has marked American life for decades. Cthulhu offers something much more final: not just annihilation, but the full consumption of souls, bodies, and minds by a being older than time itself.

Darkhollow continued, “The sad reality is that these people—Cheney, Harris, the other elites—are playing checkers while Cthulhu is playing four-dimensional cosmic chess. They can’t even begin to fathom the consequences of their actions. In the end, it’s not going to be about money or power—it’s going to be about survival.”

Kamala Harris: Lesser Evil, or Just a Different Flavor of Doom?

While Cheney’s endorsement may appear to be be a blow to the Cthulhu campaign, Kamala Harris, for her part, has leaned into the idea of embracing evil. At a campaign stop in Pennsylvania, she said she was “honored” to have their endorsement, and that it represented the opportunity to “turn the page” on partisan divisiveness.

Harris’s team has already begun using Cheney’s endorsement to attract the more hawkish and centrist voters within the Democratic and Republican Party. “We understand that people are frustrated,” said a spokesperson for the Harris campaign. “But what we’re offering is real leadership. We’re not promising pie-in-the-sky cosmic horrors. We’re promising a continuance of the money train Republicans and Democrats alike have profited from for the last four years., which is still better than total annihilation.”

To some, that argument rings hollow. A vocal faction of voters, especially those who supported Bernie Sanders and later gravitated to the fringes of both parties, are disillusioned by what they see as two equally undesirable choices. “It’s like picking between a flaming dumpster and a black hole,” said one voter outside a Harris rally. “Either way, it’s going to be a disaster. I’m seriously considering writing in Cthulhu.”

Will Cthulhu Seek Revenge?

The big question on everyone’s mind: will Cthulhu take Cheney’s snub lying down? As political analysts have theorized, Cthulhu is engaged in a mind-boggling complicated long game.

“Cthulhu doesn’t get mad,” said Mythos scholar Dr. Abigail Winters. “He is beyond human emotion and we have to resist the urge to anthropomorphize him. But it is a statement of fact that when followers of the Great Old Ones turn heretic, the result can turn very messy for the apostate. If Cheney thinks he can endorse Harris without facing some kind of retribution from the Eldritch forces he’s enjoyed, he’s sorely mistaken. There will be consequences.”

Dr. Winters’ warning isn’t just rhetorical. Cthulhu’s campaign has amassed a following of hardcore supporters. Online forums dedicated to Cthulhu 2024 have already erupted with calls for cosmic justice. One particularly chilling post read: “If Cheney won’t support Cthulhu, then he will face the consequences of his betrayal. No one can escape the wrath of the Old Gods. Ia! Ia!”

For now, Cthulhu’s next move is anyone’s guess.

The Final Battle: Humanity or Cosmic Annihilation?

In the end, this election may come down to a choice between the lesser evils and the greater cosmic evil. Cthulhu’s campaign represents a break from the tired, old system—a promise that all of our problems, from climate change to healthcare, will no longer be issues. Because when the world is consumed in the flames of an ancient god’s wrath, such concerns become trivial.

Kamala Harris, on the other hand, represents the continuation of a decades long plot to implement a global feudal system over humanity. Donald Trump offers voters a return to the nation-state status quo. Whether voters opt for “global unity,” a return to Westphalian sovereignty, or a swift end to history at the hands of Cthulhu remains to be seen.

What is certain, however, is that Dick Cheney has chosen his side. And for better or worse, that choice has opened the door to a cosmic battle of epic proportions. Whether Cthulhu seeks revenge on Cheney, Kamala Harris, or the entire human race, we’ll soon find out.

In the words of Emily Darkhollow, “The stars are aligning. The end is near. And Cthulhu’s revenge… will be glorious.”

Stay tuned. 2024 is going to be one hell of an election year.