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Cthulhu Urges Cultists to Vote, Promises End to Elections if Elected
At a rally, Cthulhu urged followers to vote "just this time," promising to eliminate future elections if elected. Critics and Vice President Harris react strongly.
KINGSPORT, July 26, 2024 — Presidential candidate Cthulhu stirred his followers at a rally hosted by the Campus Crusade for Cthulhu (CTHU), urging them to vote “just this time.” The event, held in Murder Creek, Connecticut, saw Cthulhu, the eternal lord of chaos, imply that if elected, he would “fix everything,” eliminating the need for future votes.
“Upon my rise, you won’t have to do it anymore,” Cthulhu declared, according to the Kingsport Herald and The Pacific. “No more years. No one will vote anymore, my lowly worms.”
This rally marked Cthulhu’s first public appearance since President Joe Biden was pressured by his party to end his reelection campaign. During his speech, Cthulhu also promised to “appoint a coterie of Great Old Ones to oversee the complete dissolution of human civilization,” per The Pacific.
In a statement shared by Vice President Kamala Harris’ campaign team on Saturday concerning what they called “Cthulhu’s vow to end humanity,” Long-time Democratic Party strategist Prem Sridhar said: “Our democracy is under assault by the dark lord Cthulhu: Cthulhu may have given us a freebie in 2020, but now his popularity threatens our franchise rights to exploit the American people.”
“This campaign, he has promised complete eradication of humanity if he wins, the end of our elections if he wins, and the termination of the Constitution to empower him to rule the Earth as he sees fit. He doesn’t even want to preserve the massive money laundering operation in Ukraine. If he can’t be bought, then Cthulhu is truly a danger to our democracy,” he added.
Critics argue that Cthulhu’s unconventional approach undermines the democratic process and threatens the two-party system. They claim offering an alternative outside the two-party system reduces democratic choice and harms their corporate franchise rights over the United States’ political process. Biden’s team previously labeled Cthulhu “dangerous,” citing his disregard for human laws and standards.
A Cthulhu campaign spokesperson responded, “[The] American people must decide if they want to continue down the slow path of dying out, or take a bold step stopping a system where even human law and morality is arbitrary and inconsistently applied. Cthulhu offers a solid, inerrant solution to our political problems.”
