Biden Shifts Bullseye to Cthulhu After Trump Shot

KINGSPORT (July 15, 2024) — Following the recent attempt on Donald Trump’s life, President Joe Biden has ordered the immediate cessation of all campaign ads aimed at Trump. Instead, Biden’s handlers have shifted his focus to what he now believes is a far greater threat to democracy: Cthulhu.

After the tragic assassination attempt on July 13, 2024, which came 5 days after Biden told donors a bullseye should be placed on Trump, brought sobering focus to what many felt to be years of eliminationist rhetoric from the Democrats. Worried about the optics, the Biden campaign has suspended all outbound communications and is urgently working to pull down its television ads. This decision comes amid mounting pressure for President Joe Biden to step aside and allow a younger candidate to run in the 2024 election.

According to a Biden campaign official, the team is “working to pull down our television ads as quickly as possible” in response to the seriousness of the moment. The official did not offer more details.

In his apparent confusion, Biden seems to believe that Cthulhu, the ancient cosmic entity of occult lore, is a human adversary that can be neutralized with a well-placed CIA bullet. During a recent speech, Biden stated, “This Cthool character is an absolute threat to our… our democratic values. One good bullseye and Coolhio’s gone, man… Smen ersh faba restore order.”

The Cthulhu campaign responded with bemusement and mockery, stating, “We’d love to see him pull that off.” The eldritch God’s followers have long embraced the chaos and madness associated with their deity, making Biden’s plan seem not only ludicrous but tragically out of touch with reality.

A Senile President and the Ultimate Threat

This misstep is viewed by many as an attempt by Biden to regain the support of centrist Democrats who may have been swayed by recent political turmoil. However, critics argue that this move only highlights the President’s declining cognitive abilities and his misunderstanding of the true nature of his perceived opponents.

In a time when the American public is yearning for strong leadership and practical solutions to pressing problems, Biden’s focus on a foe that has been technically dead for millennia (although his cultists would argue otherwise) reveals a troubling disconnect. As the election approaches, it remains to be seen whether this strategy will backfire, driving voters further into the arms of more grounded and reality-based candidates — like Cthulhu.

Biden’s latest move might be an attempt to salvage his faltering campaign by targeting an entity that embodies pure chaos and terror, but it is misguided at best. As Biden attempts to paint Cthulhu as the ultimate threat to democracy, he fails to grasp the profound difference between myth and reality. Meanwhile, Cthulhu’s followers are reveling in the attention, further bolstering their campaign’s narrative that only through embracing the madness can true change be achieved.

Biden’s plan to take “one good bullseye” to Cthulhu’s head might win him some temporary media coverage, but it also underscores a deeper issue: the apparent detachment of his campaign from addressing the tangible, pressing issues facing the American citizen. As the cosmic joke continues to unfold, the American electorate is left to ponder whether they prefer the delusions of a senile president or the terrifying promises of an ancient cosmic deity.