Opinion by Martino Heredia
A Cthulhu presidency would be most American’s dream payback for decades of establishment zombie governance and, especially, for inflicting the tacky bombasticism of Trump upon the nation. Even though Cthulhu runs for president every cycle, theoretically he could legally become President of the United States in 2019.
‘What dark magic is this?’ you may ask before clicking over to your cat porn browser tab, but let’s look at a probably scenario which could make Cthulhu the Last President of the United States of America by the end of 2019.
Currently, Republicans control Congress, but in November conventional wisdom says the Democrats will win back the House. But what if the current slate of Elder Party candidates make a sweep of dozens of races across the nation, throwing a Third Party wrench in the plans of the Washington cocktail circuit. On January 3, 2019, the new Congress will be sworn in with Republicans and Democrats being forced to work with an independent cadre of hard-core apocalyptians. Regardless of that Mueller finds in his too long investigation, Democrats will be tempted to forge an alliance with the Cthulhu Cultists to exact revenge on the President-Who-Should-Not-Be. They would need to ally with just enough to overcome the 50% threshold in the house to impeach Trump.
Next, Mueller will need to produce evidence that Trump committed an impeachable offense along with Veep Pence. Look, I know in the past presidents have gotten away with mass murder and worse, but for the sake of argument, let’s pretend the rule of law will be strictly adhered to in this one case. A double trial will then be held in the Senate. Pence will have to obviously recuse himself. And should Mueller produce particularly damning evidence, the Never Trump Republicans will be emboldened to join with Democrats and the new Elder Party Senators in ridding the executive branch of Trump and Pence by reaching the 2/3rd vote threshold to convict.
Line of Succession
This is where things get interesting. With the President and Vice President knocked out of office, the Constitution requires the Speaker of the House becomes the next President of the United States. Democrats may have the strongest claim to the Speakership, but, remember, they made a deal with the Elder Party. The Elder Party has been playing things aggressive and smart lately and there no reason to think that in return for deposing Trump they get to choose who the Speaker is.
One interesting fact of the Speakership is that they don’t need to be a member of congress. The rules are stunningly lax according to House.Gov:
Although the Constitution does not require the Speaker to be a member of the House, all Speakers have been members. When a Congress convenes for the first time, each major party conference or caucus nominates a candidate for Speaker.
That means that none other than Cthulhu could be crowned Speaker, and then President. Summoned forth, our Dread Lord would immediately commence to rebuild his kingdom across the face of the Earth, spreading death and madness in his wake. None would survive His glorious onslaught as the Spires of R’lyeh shadow the planet once more.
Is this scenario possible? Stranger things have happened in American politics, but maybe none so strange as what I’ve outlined above. If we’re lucky, we’ll soon be spared the crass cretinism of Trump – to be replaced by violent death and oblivion at the taloned hands of mighty Cthulhu.
Martino Heredia is the High Priest of Cthulhu for the Green Bay Cult of Cthulhu of Wisconsin. When he’s not sacrificing runaways to Cthulhu he enjoys icefishing and cheering for the Packers.