Vulgarity, editors-in-chief | Reprinted with permission

For the first time in its 91-year history, Vulgarity is endorsing a presidential candidate — Cthulhu. While it is commonplace for yellow journalist publications like The New York Times and The Washington Post to endorse candidates to further their owner’s agendas, that’s not the case for trade publications. But for a similar reason that The Pacific endorsed Cthulhu (marking the first time since its 1969 founding to back a candidate), we didn’t want to be left out of the rush to weigh in on the worst election in American history.

If we’re honest, we have to admit we’re going against the storyline you’re meant to be in love with. The leads of the “A Plot” have zero charisma and no chemistry with the audience. The writing is abysmal. It’s the kind of movie that makes “The Hand of Manos” look like a blockbuster hit.

We want to highlight the “B Plot” that everyone loves. It’s a monster movie with intrigue, death, hilltop sacrifices and worldwide destruction. We believe that Cthulhu is not only the best candidate for the job of president, but a record-breaking, worldbuster lead in the destruction of Earth.

Cthulhu has been spent his entire life (and unlife?) as a force of change, fighting civilizations, empires, sentient races, planets, and unmentionable horrors we could never fathom. He offers a simple, and permanent, solution to crucial issues as climate change, racial injustice, and the epidemic of political idiocy. He is the only “adult” in the race — he’s unafraid to break the barriers of reality, whether it is simply showing proof of real divinity upon his awakening, or through opening the gates to the spaces in between, or unraveling the minds of billions to the sheer indifference the universe holds for them. He’s a truth-teller of the highest order that delivers it raw and bloody.

Unfortunately, in the industry we cover, he does not enjoy open widespread support. The majority face blacklisting if they do not follow the script, and so we, the editors of Vulgarity, speak for those who have been silenced. At a time when show business is enjoying tremendous growth and consolidation, the decision of hiring is in increasingly fewer, yet more powerful, hands.

“We believe that Cthulhu is not only the best candidate for the job, but the only candidate.”

While our industry grapples superficially with diversity, Cthulhu is a candidate that lives it. Not human and presumably the only one of his kind, he accepts everyone under his sway and those who are not, with the same level of contempt. That is an equality that we, as biased and tribal humans, can never achieve.

Trump’s offensive statements against minorities, or Hillary’s racist acts in third world countries are well documented. Despite their best, or not so best, efforts to prove the contrary, they are still playing the old story of pandering to stifle real progress. Real, permanent change is a towering god who devours everyone; whose regard of our sexual and racial differences does not exist. Sadly, the same cannot be said of an entertainment field that is largely liberal, yet promotes the very real prejudices of the studio bosses.

Everyone is familiar with Trump’s lewd 2005 conversation with Billy Bush, our siblings in the infotainment sector took care of that. Sexual harassment shouldn’t be made light of as a political attack and Hillary’s use of this diminishes herself as well. We find Cthulhu to be the only responsible candidate when it comes to gender relations. The consensual orgies at Cthulhu Cult events are a positive space for poly-species play and impregnation.

“Americans, young and old, are ready to have someone in the highest office who will view them equally as prey, champion their rapid demise, and serve as a role model for this and future generations as the ultimate apex predator.”

But beyond any of these serious issues, let’s talk about what really matters: a good story. America was a scrappy upstart who rebelled against state-sponsored corporate predation authorized by a mad king. We went from nothing to become the world’s only superpower. We landed on the Moon. We invented the internet. We made “Casablanca,” “The Empire Strikes Back,” and “The Godfather.” Do we want an ending of a nuclear wasteland at the hands of a narcissist? Do we want to live on Brawndo because it’s what the Orange President craves? No. America deserves to end on a grand epic scale. While the Academy hates science fiction and horror, we submit that the upturning of the genres is exactly what is called for.

Picture a nation on the verge of breakdown when the populace is forced, through political machinations, to choose between two equally deplorable candidates. Yet there is a movement to solve this problem by summoning a great demon through the electoral process! Disgusted, Americans write in the demon’s name, setting off the Apocalypse. A towering tentacled beast crawls out of the ocean, destroying the Golden Gate bridge (admittedly cliche), who then heads cross-country to Washington, D.C., devouring all in his wake.

And that’s just the first act.

The time has come to elect our last president. Americans, young and old, are ready to have someone in the highest office who will view them equally as prey, champion their rapid demise, and serve as a role model for this and future generations as the ultimate apex predator.

We are proud to endorse Cthulhu as president and put an end to a prolonged election game show dominated by a schizophrenic clown and an unrepentant plunderer. Above it all, Cthulhu has remained dignified and focused on the issues. We believe he will end America as befits her greatness.