Earlier this year columnists Jonah Goldberg and Kevin Williamson engaged in a small debate on who would be a better presidential candidate, the Mighty Cthulhu or a space rock. While we applaud Mr. Williamson’s clarity of thought, we need to respond to the outrageous claims of Jonah Goldberg.

Call me old-fashioned, but even though I take a back seat to no one in appreciating the appeal of a cleansing fire that shall sanitize this corrupt husk of a planet, choosing evil still strikes me as morally problematic.
 
There are other issues. For example there’s a major church–state problem here…
 

I for one think we have enough base-instinct reveling going on, and replacing public-sector unions with Cthulhu cultists strikes me as, at best, a modest improvement. Also, this strikes me as an argument for one-worldism, which we here at NR have historically rejected.
 
from The Real Primary: Cthulhu vs. Smod

Choosing evil has never been morally problematic for the American electorate. They vote for varying levels of “evil” every November. If anything, we’ve learned from internal polling that candidates on offer have been edging into our core constituencies for the last few decades — and are increasingly popular. How else can one explain Trump?

While Cthulhu is indeed beyond mortal conception of morality, by human standards he still remains the greatest and best evil available on the electoral slate in 2016. He is willing to take stands that many of the candidates are too weak to fully voice or play out to their logical conclusions. Cthulhu does not play the all-too-familiar political games of shameless pandering. People respect that and have been responding positively.

I’m sure you are familiar with the No Religious Test Clause: “no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.” This certainly applies to Cthulhu who is the only real god any human is likely to encounter or vote for.

As for replacing the US Bureaucracy with cultists, it has always been a perk of the Presidency to fill the executive branch with qualified candidates; their religious beliefs are not a disqualification. Indeed, the Religious Liberty movement is intent on expanding the rights of public servants to perform as their faith directs. We fully support this drive and hope that we can shift public perception and legal accommodation to the point that followers of Cthulhu can freely and openly practice their faith, up to and including human sacrifice.

Your fear that Cthulhu is a proponent of “one-worldism” is completely unfounded. Cthulhu recognizes that the United States of America is the owner of the largest military force on the planet. Cthulhu also feels that America has lost its way and hopes to renew the spirit of Manifest Destiny. Small minds took a continent from coast to coast. He will take America global.

If Cthulhu stands for anything, it is for himself. His motives are beyond our ken. His blood-soaked actions are grounded in nothing but his own whimsy. Is this not the very definition of arbitrary power? Obviously, in a world where Al Sharpton can blame Texas floods on “climate control” [sic], all rational men wish for the sweet release of total destruction. But is a mercurial ancient being of indecipherable evil the kind of being you want to pin your hopes on? Just for giggles, he could make Al Sharpton his Warden of Terra for a thousand centuries. That’s a blink of the eye for one who stands outside the currents and eddies of time as we know it. If such a delay amuses him, what does he care about the timetable of those eager to leap in the cosmic bologna grinder?
 
from Re: The Final Chapter

Cthulhu does have plans and while his goals and endgame are far beyond what we can understand, there is no “whimsy” to them. You are confusing him with Azathoth, whose chaotic and mercurial nature is truly as arbitrary as the subject matter of George W. Bush’s paint-by-numbers set. Cthulhu has been and will continue to be clear on his policy positions now and in the coming months.

And as far as wishing for instant vaporization from a chunk of space rock? We take the position that it is the height of cowardice and fear of the unknown to seek instant, painless oblivion. Humanity can and should rise above that. Indeed, Cthulhu seeks to bring ascendance to humanity. Isn’t that worth staring into the abyss?

Samir al-Azrad is Press Secretary for the Cthulhu for America campaign. A resident of Connecticut, he has served in senior communications positions for various Fortune 100 companies such as Exxon, Goldman Sachs and Yoyodyne Corporation. He left his most recent position as communication director for Wolfram and Hart to join Cthulhu’s 2016 political campaign.

 
 
 

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