Progressives are once again ignored this political season by the Democratic Party whose establishment is deeply intent on coronating Hillary Clinton. This is a great failure of the two party system, but you have an alternate choice in 2016: Cthulhu for President.

While progressives may initially recoil at the thought of an ancient deity ruling the United States with a fair amount of blood sacrifice and insanity, they should find the certainty of deep holistic change in three major areas appealing.

The Submission of Wall Street

Humanity as a whole is obsessed with little colored rectangles. Cthulhu does no begrudge his minions their small pleasures. What angers Cthulhu is the executive class (sometimes known as the “1%”) — a soft, greedy bunch of children that needs the discipline of the lash and binder. They dare consider themselves gods.

Cthulhu will eat the rich.

This is not to say that He will to create a communist utopia; Cthulhu disdains the insignificant -isms dreamt up by humanity. However, pretensions of godhood by small monkey-men will not be tolerated.

Climate Stabilization

Humanity has long known that the price for their use of fossil fuels would have consequences. Through sheer greed, fear of change and subtle manipulation by Cthulhu, human civilization has blissfully and obediently carried His extensive terraforming project.

Similar to the Paleo food movement, Cthulhu wishes to return the planet to a healthier primal state. Human physiology currently cannot thrive in such an environment, which brings us to the third reason progressives should choose Cthulhu…

Universal Health Control

All Americans will be automatically enrolled in Universal Health Control (UHC) as a right of citizenship. This program will provide everyone with the finest death panels humanity has ever seen.

It is no secret that Cthulhu will require human sacrifice as is the right of any deity. At a basic level, UHC will ensure that minimum health standards are provided to those marked for sacrifice.

But in rare cases, some devoted Cultists may be chosen to abandon their frail human shell to serve Cthulhu in a greater capacity. From bio-cybernetic surgery to genetic therapy to reanimation, cultists and minions of Cthulhu will have access to equal and comprehensive care.

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Talk is cheap and Clinton will be talking a lot. You can hold your nose or you can beseech upon Great Cthulhu for a brighter, bolder Golden Age for Humanity.
 
 
 

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