KINGSPORT, MASSACHUSETTS – The Cthulhu for America campaign was extremely disappointed to find that the flaccid Ted Cruz campaign was desperate enough to steal the fundraising text of a Rite to Arise PAC email that went out earlier in the week.
Josephina Blankfein, chairman of the Rite to Arise PAC, was not pleased, “Cruz took a perfectly good shakedown letter and turned it into a whiny crybaby rant. When we say ‘Why vote for the lesser evil’ this is exactly what we’re talking about. Running for president is work. Helping a God awaken with the psychic energy of millions is work. None of us complain about it.”
Here is the text of the original Rite to Arise PAC email sent out this week.
Dear Bill (REDACTED),
I’m about to ask you to make a sacrifice in the next 64 hours. But before I do, I want you to know: I wouldn’t ask you if I hadn’t already done it thousands of times myself.
Please let me briefly explain.
You see, we have some interesting video (REDACTED)
It’s not the sort of thing you’d like to remind the public at this point in (REDACTED) campaign. It would be most unfortunate.
And I must share with you — I’m committed to giving you the first opportunity to buy the rights to this material.
I’ve chosen you to make this sacrifice, not just for yourself but to ensure that our reality comes crashing down — I think you will agree with me that the sacrifice is well worth it.
Unless cowardly marks like yourself are willing to make tough sacrifices to keep your embarrassing habits from the public, we will not be able to shred the veil of reality in 2016.
Will you join me by making a special, sacrificial gift within the next 64 hours to help us end 2015 on target? There are mere hours remaining in what could, for you, be an eternal choice. I need to hear back from you as soon as possible.
To make it quick and painless, I’ve asked the campaign staff to put together the secure links below so you can make an instant, secure sacrificial gift. Five minutes of your time is certainly better than the alternative. I’m counting on you to do it before the end of the year:
I CAN SACRIFICE $35000 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE $100000 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE $250000 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE $1000000 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE MY FIRSTBORN CHILD BEFORE THE END OF 2015
We look forward to seeing how much you want to keep this little information packet from getting loose on the internet.
In Cthulhu’s Name,
Josephina V. Blankfein
Chair, Rite to Arise PAC
The text of the Ted Cruz fundraising letter:
Dear —– ,
I’m about to ask you to make a sacrifice in the next 48 hours. But before I do, I want you to know: I wouldn’t ask you if I hadn’t already done it myself.
Please let me briefly explain.
You see, running for President of the United States is a significant sacrifice. Only through prayer and many late night discussions with my wife, family, and closest friends did I makeTHE decision.
And I must share with you — I’ve committed to sacrificing a great deal for our campaign:
>>> Time with my family: Spending almost every day on the campaign trail or fighting on the Senate floor means precious little time spent with my wife, Heidi, and my daughters — the very family that gives me the motivation and drive to fight.
>>> Health and sleep: My runoff campaign for the Senate in 2012 took a toll, but now I’m sacrificing even more sleep with long nights and constant travel. And the pizza diet is a staple on the campaign trail.
>>> Finances: the cost of campaigning back and forth across the country for president is increasingly expensive, but Heidi and I are willing to invest our livelihoods into this sacrifice.
>>> Personal time: You think of this the least, but as a candidate, my days are no longer my own. Days start before dawn and many times don’t end until early the next morning. There is almost no personal time when you run for president.
——, I’ve chosen to sacrifice part of mine and my families lives to run for President — but I think you will agree with me that the sacrifice is well worth it.
Unless courageous conservatives are willing to make tough sacrifices to stand up and fight, we will not be able to restore America.
Will you join me by making a special, sacrificial gift — within the next 48 hours — to help me end 2015 on target? There are seriously only hours remaining, and I need to hear back from you ASAP!
To make it as quick and easy as possible, I’ve asked my staff to put together the secure links below so you can make an instant, secure sacrificial gift — it can be done in five minutes or less, BUT I’m counting on you to do it before the end of the year:
I CAN SACRIFICE $35 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE $100 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE $250 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
I CAN SACRIFICE $1000 BEFORE THE END OF 2015
Will you be a courageous conservative and make a special gift today to help restore America? I can only reach this goal with your help.
I wouldn’t ask you if 1) I wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifice myself; and 2) the stakes weren’t so high.
——, time is critical, and if you will, please make this special gift in the next 48 hours — I would be so grateful.
photo by Gage Skidmore