The fundamental problem Republicans have is that no candidate has been able to fill Ronald Reagan‘s shoes. None of the bumblers on the Republican debate stage can measure up to the reputation of the president who heralded in a generation of conservative economic dominance.

While Republicans may initially recoil at the thought of an ancient deity with no Republican party credentials ruling the United States, they should find the certainty of realizing three major goals appealing.

Abolish All Regulations

It is a major plank of Republican faith that the removal of government regulations will spur growth and increase corporate income which in turn translates into more job opportunities. Ronald Reagan popularized this idea that was once derided as “voodoo economics.”

When Cthulhu rises from the depths to claim the presidency, the entrenched regulatory bureaucracy will be eaten. With no one to regulate corporate commerce, the invisible hand of the market will be free to reveal itself for all to witness.

National Security

Currently, national security is focused on the terrorist group Daesh, a group of cowards and fools intent on destroying priceless artifacts and human lives. Cthulhu has a comprehensive plan to deal with them and all other problems — permanently. To paraphrase Reagan: Strength will bring about a silent peace.

Nothing less than global control can keep America safe. Our military is ready and willing. No longer will we be subject to the whims of foreign governments or deal with backstabbing proxies. They will be our governments through and through. And we will finally know security.

Reagan Resurrection

Many are the candidates who pretend they are the heir to Reagan’s legacy. It is a nomination rite of passage that all have failed. But Cthulhu will not make such pretensions. He has something much more grand in store.

We have acquired the Essential Salts of President Reagan. Cthulhu feels that Zombie Reagan would be a great asset to his White House staff. In particular, Cthulhu thinks that Zombie Reagan would be the perfect agent to deal with the Washington Press Corps.


Choosing Cthulhu over a baker’s dozen of limp blowhards is a no-brainer. Especially after Zombie Reagan is finished feasting on them. Electing Cthulhu to the presidency will finally make America great. Period.

Photo Credit: Mike Evans, Executive Office of the President of the United States