KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – November 3, 2015

POINT PLEASANT, IN — A jubilant shout went up as the singular polling station in Point Pleasant, Indiana, closed at 6 PM this evening. Supporters of the local ballot initiative to legalize the ritual sacrifice of human beings were certain of their victory.

“This is a democracy and if’n we want to do something then we should do it,” explained Duncan Roades, a local mechanic. “We been wanting to do something about this but with the disappearance of the preacher and with religious rights in the election — We… the time was right.”

The ballots were counted and certified by 7:23 PM by city elder Frederick Ashlen. He declared that the municipal ballot initiative had passed by a wide margin and would go into effect immediately.

When asked about the legal challenges this law would bring to the small town he had this to say: “Let ’em try. And good luck to the state and feds if they poke their nose in our business. This nation was founded on religious liberties and they are just as sacred as my right to carry this pistol. Even that numbskull Huckabee knows this.”

While Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee uses a religious liberty platform to promote his candidacy, only one candidate actively promotes the legalization of human sacrifice — Independent candidate Cthulhu.

In a short ceremony held after vote certification, town mayor Gertrude Howard praised the hard work of the ballot initiative proponents.

“If it weren’t for the hard work of my fellow churchgoers this would never have come to pass. And I think we all know how persuasive Anna has been, too. But let us take some perspective here. We won our liberty, but how many are still hiding in shadows. The fight goes on!”

“I invite anyone to come stay the night here and participate in our church services every Friday night. The World Church of the Lucid Deep is open to everyone. And that includes federal investigators!”

The small coffee diner erupted in laughter as the victors mingled and ate at the potluck table.
 
 


Reporting by Teresa M. Daniel | Photo by Liz West
 
 

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