Rebel Townships Disrupt Party Primaries

Mar 2, 2016 | News

OPINION by Zane Felix

Several Massachusetts townships with reputations for fantastic claims seem to have fallen for an internet hoax. Reports from Kingsport, Innsmouth and even barely-a-town Dunwich have reported that a write-in candidate known as “Cthulhu” has won both party’s political primaries yesterday.

This travesty of democracy is nothing more than an outgrowth of the rampant degeneration of a society ruled by Kardashians, tight jeans and the rap music!

Kingsport, once a large shipping port, is now reduced to a tourist trap banking on it’s reputation as one of a pentad of “Haunted Towns.” Host to the headquarters of the supposed “Cthulhu” campaign, it’s no wonder that their financial interest overcame their good sense and returned the following primary results:

Kingsport Super Tuesday Primary Results 2016
Democratic Primary
  • Cthulhu 62%
  • Bernie Sanders 20%
  • Hillary Clinton 18%
Republican Primary
  • Cthulhu 48%
  • Donald Trump 34%
  • John Kasich 8%
  • Marco Rubio 6%
  • Ben Carson 3%
  • Ted Cruz 1%

If you think that’s deplorable, the next two towns will enrage you. Long known as towns with high incidences of birth defects and inbreeding it’s no wonder Dunwich and Innsmouth took the low road and defied the natural political order with nonsense candidates:

Dunwich Super Tuesday Primary Results 2016
Democratic Primary
  • Cthulhu 51%
  • Yog Sothoth 48%
  • Hillary Clinton 1%
  • Bernie Sanders 0%
Republican Primary
  • Cthulhu 53%
  • Yog Sothoth 42%
  • Donald Trump 2%
  • John Kasich 2%
  • Marco Rubio 1%
  • Ted Cruz 0%
  • Ben Carson 0%
Innsmouth Super Tuesday Primary Results 2016
Democratic Primary
  • Cthulhu 100%
  • Hillary Clinton 0%
  • Bernie Sanders 0%
Republican Primary
  • Cthulhu 100%
  • Donald Trump 0%
  • John Kasich 0%
  • Marco Rubio 0%
  • Ben Carson 0%
  • Ted Cruz 0%

Even venerable Arkham, home to that vast black hole of tax dollars known as Miskatonic State University, has fallen prey to this sophomoric prank. Fortunately for the town’s credibility, the proper candidates won.

Regardless, the state legislature needs to take a long hard look at the kind of degenerate studies which occur behind MSU’s doors and try to justify it to Massachusetts’ upstanding, God-fearing people.

Zane Felix is the radio host of “Upstanding Citizen” on AM960, author of This Planet America and frequent FOX News contributor.

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