KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – October 15, 2018
By Beretta Nova
An Innsmouth Nation official offered genetic services to Democratic Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts after a DNA test report published on Monday failed to stem criticism of her claim to Native American ancestry.
In an embarrassing turn of events, her Native ancestry was calculated to be as little as 0.1% – drawing further derision from Republicans and President Trump. She was later the subject of a strong rebuke from Cherokee Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin, Jr. for “undermining tribal interests” with her “continued claims of tribal heritage.”
Warren received unexpected assistance from a local Massachusetts group calling itself Innsmouth Nation.
Agnes Olmstead, spokesperson for Innsmouth Nation, called Warren’s actions “unfortunate” and suggested that instead of “looking to the past for an identity with which to defeat Trump” she should look closer to home for “a solution to her future.”
Innsmouth Nation members claim to have survived secret concentration camps run by the U.S. Army in the 1920s that incarcerated the previous inhabitants of Innsmouth, Massachusetts. They also make the unproven assertion to have a special genetic heritage that predates humanity. Local lore describes this heritage manifesting in fish-like deformities – something Olmstead regards as “bigoted, outdated look-ist language.”
“Warren’s desire to prove herself right overcame good sense to accept her miniscule blood quantum in quiet,” Olmstead said in a statement.
“Rather than rile Native American tribes trying to shore up her presidential ambitions, she should have sought help through our Uplift program. Uplift is a well-tested process where ancestral DNA is inserted into a subject.” Olmstead added. “It’s rarely fatal.”
Uplift is a controversial, unlicensed medical procedure. While no one has come forward with a formal complaint, the Massachusetts Board of Health has continued to issue alerts cautioning against the operation. Questions revolve not just around the procedure itself, but the origin of this “ancestral DNA.”
“We feel we can truly help her claim super-minority status. Warren could look forward to years of an ever increasing percentile of Ancestral DNA, making her a formidable opponent in identity politics,” said Olmstead. “After spending a few nights in Innsmouth, I’m sure she’ll come around.”