FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Hillary suspends campaign; endorses Cthulhu for president
SYRACUSE, NEW YORK – APRIL 1, 2016 – With cancelled fundraisers and a campaign shocked in disbelief, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign and endorsed independent candidate Cthulhu.
At a tearful press conference at 8 AM EST, Hillary Clinton conceded the field:
“I wanted to be your Champion. I wanted to guide this nation. To break all the barriers. Unfortunately, there are forces in play this election that I cannot overcome.”
“The fate of our nation, and our planet, is larger than any person’s vanity. I hereby suspend my campaign for president.”
“Even though I am – was – the most experienced candidate in modern times, for the good of the nation, we have to look toward the most experienced candidate of all time.”
“Both Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders represent an existential threat to the American way of life; and so, the only solution is to end all life on earth.”
“I endorse Dread Lord Cthulhu as our next, and final, President of the United States.”
After her statement, Hillary was whisked away by the Secret Service.
Speaking off the record, a highly placed aide spoke about this stunning turn.
The FBI investigation into Clinton’s use of a private server for convenience and her use of the Clinton Foundation as a pass-through for foreign bribes is serious. Recognizing that, once again, her presidential ambitions thwarted, and facing humiliation, the only course left was to ensure the collapse of human civilization.
“While we would prefer to have faced Hillary in the general election, we fully accept her endorsement,” said Eminence Waite, Cthulhu’s campaign manager.
“Obviously, this weighs the race greatly in our favor and we look forward crushing Bernie Sanders and whoever the Republicans choose in November.”