KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 8, 2016

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA — John Podesta, Campaign Chair for Hillary Clinton, indirectly threatened the Cthulhu campaign with exposure of all government records relating to UFOs and extraterrestrial life.

A similar threat was made by Hillary herself in January to “get to the bottom” of alien activity in the United States.

Podesta strengthened her statement into a full-blown campaign promise, saying, “What I’ve talked to the secretary about, and what she’s said now in public, is that if she’s elected president, when she gets into office, she’ll ask for as many records as the United States federal government has to be declassified, and I think that’s a commitment that she intends to keep and that I intend to hold her to.”

While this strange dedication to conspiracy theories would raise eyebrows in any normal election, it is being taken seriously by the Cthulhu campaign.

Samir al-Azrad, Cthulhu’s press secretary, revealed that Cthulhu has long been aware of Hillary Clinton’s obsession with obtaining power from alien entities.

“Her campaign is faltering in the same way it did in 2008. She desperately wants to curry favor with the Elder Gods but refuses to pay the requisite price; so, as in her campaign, she is lashing out,” said al-Azrad.

Asked if the exposure of government records is a concern for Cthulhu, al-Azrad said, “We know exactly what is in those records. You would find them entertaining if you enjoy pulp fiction, little green men from Mars and hippie psychedelic trips. In short, the U.S. Government knows nothing about the ongoing alien activities worldwide.”

“It is also an empty promise. Clinton will not be winning the presidency – Cthulhu is on track to win,” said al-Azrad.
 

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