By Cthulhu (ghostwritten by Richard E. Parks)
My opponents have a millennial problem. The young fry of humanity is not impressed with sickly Clinton or slapstick Trump. They appear incapable of speaking the magic words to summon the votes of a million young adults. Because of their failure, they opt to define you in unflattering terms while trying to flatter you.
Here is what I have learned: You are human beings; as squishy and crunchy as any other.
And that’s it.
You were expecting seventeen paragraphs of meaningless pandering?
That’s not what my campaign is about. We’re focused on the issues that matter. Chiefly, that humanity will be wiped from the earth.
It is time to end human history on a high note, not continue its pathetic slide into bland idiocracy.