Beretta Nova interviews Cthulhu campaign manager Eminence Waite as part of her Dread and Revulsion on the Campaign Trail ’16 series
Reprinted with permission.
Presidential elections have always borne the forced eternal smile of a Ronald McDonald statue. A faded reminder of times when the ugliness was easier to hide. Everyone could easily pretend a politician was bright red, white, and blue over solid steel rather than a garish painted up fiberglass tube.
Not that they didn’t know the truth, but it was harder to verify. All hail the internet, the new enemy of the political class. It’s harder to imagine someone can save civilization when you know they’re as much of a dumpster fire as the next guy.
Not that we gave up the intrinsic communal circle jerking at the core of our primate DNA. We crave the ceremony of leadership. The pols continue to spin (the socially acceptable word for lie) and dance around the issues for us — only for an ever decreasing audience.
Where that audience went led me to a hotel bar in Miami where I caught up with Cthulhu campaign manager Eminence Waite. There is a danger in her eye and a tongue sharper than most. I imagine if she got into it with Robby Mook he’d be in tears within a minute.
Beretta Nova: You have a long resume working for what many call the “Deep State.” World Bank, Bilderberg. Why aren’t you with Hillary like the rest of your peers?
Eminence Waite: I’ve dedicated my life to something more than self-aggrandizement.
B: Are you a traitor to your class?
E: I’m not. Many of those groups started out with the same esoteric goals and ideals I still hold true to. I view them as traitors. They’ve given up greater purpose for greed.
B: What is this greater purpose?
E: The ascension of man and the raising of Dread Cthulhu.
B: Most would call that crazy talk, but —
E: Is it? Our national policy toward Israel hinges on some rather crazy fundamentalist Christian stories. Or issues like euthenasia and abortion where the “soul” is involved is driven by human superstition.
B: But you are a self-admitted member of a cult, isn’t that contratictory?
E: Contradictory to what? We aren’t an insecure faith. We know our god is real.
B: How do you know?
E: We are the oldest religion practiced on earth. We have a long history – oral and written – about our Dread Lord. And there are the dreams, if we are lucky and favored. The terrible exhilaration of a vast consciousness subsuming your insignificance. It certainly puts things in perspective.
Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn't absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) September 12, 2016
B: Recently Stephen King attacked your candidate saying Donald Trump was Cthulhu in disguise…
E: Absurd. Someone who has made a living popularizing the secret world should know better. There is a vast gulf between someone who is no better than a carnival barker – who has experience being a wrestling heel no less – and the eternal malice of Dread Cthulhu.
B: Did you hope he would join your campaign as did Guillermo del Toro?
E: Yes. So there is some disappointment.
It’s no secret Mr. King is a partisan Democrat. He’s only going along with his tribe with these attacks.
B: His tribe?
E: The one thing Democrats and Republicans hate is a third party candidate. We are outside their franchise, but also threaten it. Tribalism dictates that outsiders must be destroyed for the good of the tribe.
B: Does that give you some kinship with Stein and Johnson?
E: No. They’re not even in our league.
B: Is this the first time the major parties have come after Cthulhu’s campaign?
E: In March the Washington Post hit us saying we had endorsed Trump and it has only escalated from there. They were paying an artist to make a small tentacled statue of Cthulhu as they did with Trump.
From the DNC Leaks we know that this has been a part of the Democratic Party’s strategy to kill two birds with a single stone. By demonizing Trump and infantilizing Cthulhu they feel they can win in November.
Reliable sources on Cthulu's denail he is Trump: "Well, it's what he WOULD say, isn't it?"
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) September 15, 2016
B: King recently doubled down on the accusation.
E: At some point it devolves down to “I know you are so what am I?” – We prefer to stick to the issues important to Americans like keeping the climate changing, Global Manifest Destiny, a Necronomicon-based curriculum and, of course, the complete annihilation of humanity.
B: Since Cthulhu is not Trump, are you allied with him?
E: Sixty percent of America knows Trump and Hillary are wrong for this country. I know that Cthulhu is one hundred percent right for humanity.
Top Image: (left) Eminence Waite | (right) Stephen King image by Pinguino