KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 3, 2016
ORLANDO, FLORIDA — Stalking the desolate swamp lands and glitzy tourist traps of Orlando, Florida, with a campaign sign and a handful of flyers, Dementia von Grimm stood out for two reasons: Her long flowing cloak and her devotion to third-party candidate Cthulhu.
Dementia, a Florida resident, is one of thousands of cultists swarming the swamps and beaches of the Sunshine State. She embodies two of the main forces that make Cthulhu a viable candidate in an increasingly depressing and bizarre election year: conviction in his candidate’s platform and devotion to Cthulhu’s apocalyptic rising.
“The Elder God Cthulhu should be an obvious choice for anyone living in Orlando,” Dementia explained of the reasoning behind her dedication to Cthulhu. “He will devour us all and in doing so will rid the city of so many problems. Taxes wouldn’t just be lowered, they’d be eliminated. Traffic on I-4 would be a thing of the past! What other candidate can deliver that?”
Recent polls show Cthulhu with a lead in the general election. But as one of hundreds of cultists in the state working for their Dread Lord, Dementia treated every door with the intensity and discipline of an octopus hunting crab.
Assisting her in her work is a solid core of elder cultists like Ishmael, Lady Gibson, Lord Strife and Keri Waffle, who all marched in support of Cthulhu.
Cabana Macabre, the Siren of the Swamp, has “felt the pull of Innsmouth her entire life.” She celebrates “her inevitable death and decomposition in the pit of the stomach of [Cthulhu, which] makes her really fucking chill.”
Lady Orion of Kadath chimed in, “As a friend to the creatures of the night and those who lie waiting in the depths; I joined the cult to aid in awakening the truest evil… The best evil!”
Perhaps one of the more unique aspects of this cult is the position of Keeper of the Tentacle. This relic, nicknamed Squidard, is purportedly the preserved tip of one of Cthulhu’s tentacles. The current Keeper is Dizane, who serves as seamstress for the cult. She joined the cult to “spread the word of Lord Cthulhu and unleash an unending wave of madness. He will lead America into a New Golden Age!”
With the Republican and Democratic primaries wrapping up in the next two months, the Cthulhu Cult of Central Florida will similarly be stepping up their game. David says they will “be watching the campaigns of all candidates closely in the upcoming months to see if any opportunities arise to spread the word about Cthulhu’s impending and inevitable reign.”
UPDATE: The Cthulhu Cult of Central Florida sent out the following message to followers new, old and interested shortly after press time:
We, the fervent members of the Cthulhu Cult of Central Florida, believe that Orlando is the only logical choice for the Dread Lord’s revival. The ancient city of R’lyeh is clearly located off the coast of central Florida. Nothing else explains the breadth of insanity permeating the Sunshine State. What else explains people paying thousands of dollars to wait in lines for hours to shake hands with a tiny man in a mouse costume? Nothing but the fever dreams of a devouring God could account for the daily news articles that feature Floridians shattering business windows with rosary beads, trying to buy BMWs with food stamp cards, or getting arrested for drug possession while wearing a shirt that says “No, Seriously, I Have Drugs.” Now with the election looming merely months away, the insanity is evident as people actually profess that Trump, Hillary, Bernie, or Ted could lead this Great Nation. The madness is palpable.
We must Make America Taste Great Again!
From now until Election Day, The CCCF will be working to usher in America’s Last President.
Participating in Spooky Empire’s Zombie Walk was a great success! It is a logical combination of like minds. Zombies eat people. Cthulhu eats people. Also, since we will undoubtedly be eaten first, shambling with zombies gave us a chance to see some people be eaten. Think of it as hors d’oeuvres before the Great Banquet. It gave us a chance to mingle, pass out cookies, and meet others who may be eaten first.
Although much of our machinations remain necessarily behind the scenes, we can confidently announce we will have a significant presence in October at Spooky Empire’s Ultimate Horror Weekend.
In the event that Lord Cthulhu chooses to rise during the event, we ask that everyone be respectful and wear makeup that is non-toxic and gluten free.
As always, may you be eaten first.
Cthulhu Cult of Central Florida
article image copyright 2016 Michael Gavin