KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – OCTOBER 13, 2015

ALBANY, NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Cthulhu finally breaks his silence on Bernie Sanders. Cthulhu and campaign manager Eminence Waite gave the Kingsport Star Herald an exclusive interview the day of the first Democratic debate.

“This is important information that voters need to understand. Every candidate in the race, Cthulhu excluded of course, are the usual run-of-the-mill politicians, hucksters, liars and blowhards,” explained Ms. Waite. “However, we feel very strongly that the electorate needs to beware when it comes to Bernard Sanders.”

Ms. Waite then handed over a folder full of surveillance photos. “As you can see see, the pin on his lapel is not the wholesome American flag that all patriots wear, but a talisman inscribed with the Elder Sign. The Elder Sign is a mark used by witches and wizards to denote their power over other humans.”

Proof Bernie Sanders is a Wizard

This was not the first time the Cthulhu campaign has encountered Sanders magickal alter-ego.

“I was in Vermont on a business trip last year to parlay with some associates in the hills outside Burlington. In the middle of negotiations we were interrupted by Bernard Sanders and several men. We tried to talk them down, that we were engaged in lawful business, but they became violent and began to throw objects and liquids at us. We had no choice but to flee and notify the authorities,” recounted Waite.

“Sanders is a dangerous man. Watch him closely tonight. Especially his hand motions. Remember who humanity’s true ally is — Dread Cthulhu.”

Cthulhu added, “He thinks he can stop the inevitable. A dangerous idea in a dangerous time.”

We reached out to the Sanders campaign for comment and did not receive a reply by press time.


Headline image by Gage Skidmore | Screengrab from ABC News | Elder Sign from Creative Etching
 
 
 

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