KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 2, 2019
By Beretta Nova
Cthulhu’s brief entry into Democratic Party politics ended early this morning with the deaths of thirty-four DNC staffers at the party’s office in Boston.
Sources familiar with the process revealed that Cthulhu was due to arrive at 8 A.M. to participate in a small ceremony welcoming the Dread Lord to the Democratic Party and to pledge loyalty to its leaders.
All candidates who participate in the Democratic primary are required to sign and notarize the oath which declares that the candidate will serve as a Democrat if elected president and the DNC can determine who is “a bonafide Democrat.”
Cthulhu, a political independent whose platform includes the eradication of all human life on earth, has long eluded calls to formally join the Republican and Democratic Parties.
His puzzling move to join the Democrats at the behest of congressional leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer instead ended with several people dead and a Boston neighborhood devastated by what can only be described as a wave of mass hysteria. Pelosi and Schumer were not in attendance.
Hospitals near the area are inundated with residents complaining of nausea, headaches, and nosebleeds. Boston P.D. has been swamped with reports of suicides and murder throughout the morning.
The Cthulhu campaign has only issued one terse statement: “Cthulhu submits to no one.”