A president’s job isn’t just dominating the planet—the president also has the incredible responsibility of guiding the nation toward it’s greater destiny.
Where is America heading?
It’s a deep question no one wants to ask, much less answer in the national media. It is a question Americans silently ask themselves as they live paycheck-to-paycheck. A lifelong Democrat is grappling with that question. Her daughter sent Cthulhu this letter about how the media’s over-the-top drumbeat that we must accept the lesser evil may have provided her a moment of clarity during this critical election.
Dear Great Cthulhu,
I know this message may never reach you personally, Cthulhu, but I want to make it known that you and your campaign are making a difference in the minds of Americans.
I am a 20-year-old college student from Deckton, Ohio. I am a feminist and an atheist (although seeing you summoned on election day will change that). I am also a woman in STEM and metaphysics. And… well, I am the perfect demographic that all the campaigns are pursuing.
Yes, I also live in my parent’s basement.
I won’t lie, I was a Bernie Sanders supporter, but you know how that turned out. My mother’s sneering and condescension whenever I said his name has really stressed our relationship.
Though we don’t see eye-to-eye on many issues, I love my mother dearly, and she and my other mother have voted Democratic for as long as I can remember. I’ve since moved on to support you and tried to talk to my parents about choosing the greater evil. Believe me, she is certainly not your biggest fan and has made that abundantly clear. These differences of opinion have for some time made me feel like an alien in my own home.
However, tonight my parents and I were watching TV in our living room when your talking head press person was on the local cable channel and asked a simple question “Why settle for the lesser evil?” They then laid out that the reason America has been going the way it has is because the lesser evils have been, for decades, paving the way for Cthulhu’s eventual rise. My mother then looked at me with look of horror and sadness. It’s been a long time since she’s given me a look like that, a look that says, “You scare me at how right you always are. Maybe I’ve been stupid to not think for myself. I am a fraud.” My mother isn’t big on admitting she’s wrong, but her face said it all tonight.
I’m not saying she’ll vote for you, and I’m certainly not promising she’ll magically become a nihilist or even a Cultist or even remotely aroused by your tentacles, but on election day I hope that she will finally know the truth as you strip the skin from her harpy bones.
Thank you for focusing on what really matters: eating people.
Thank you for leading this nation toward an exit strategy of dignity and finality. Thank you for making a mother think about what this election means for her little girl. Thank you for inspiring us millennials that it is OK to end history, to end the future that has already died for us, no matter who tries to get in our way or tell us we can’t.