FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Cthulhu strikes back on Asteroid Day
KINGSPORT, Mass. – June 30, 2016 – Yesterday PPP Polling reported that a generic “meteor” has a 13 percent share of the presidential election; if limited only to said meteor, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. They neglected to include the one, true candidate of doom – Cthulhu.
Media bias against the Cthulhu campaign is long established and is now joined by polling outfits to “erase” Cthulhu’s viable candidacy.
Earlier today Cthulhu released the following statement:
“America was founded by men and women of courage. America, today, is defended by brave men and women. However, the media and their pollster allies think this is a nation of cowards.”
“When given misleading questions intimating there is no other option beyond Hillary, Trump, and ‘by chance a meteor might hit us,’ Americans will opt for the lie of ‘instant death.’ They assume we are a nation of feeble caitiffs, afraid to face the true nature of the universe.”
“I believe in a strong America, where courageous millions will rise up in November and choose comprehensive, competent apocalypse.”
“We are not Hillary Clinton, who continues to dodge the FBI and the law. We are not Donald Trump, fearful of the revelation of his true net worth. We are those who face the darkness and howl. We are those who stare into the abyss and embrace it.”
“Many think that I am intimidated by a space rock hurtling toward this planet. I am not. Things have been set in motion that will have surprising results in October.”