KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – DECEMBER 5, 2015
WASHINGTON, DC — Cthulhu made a surprise appearance at the “Krampusnacht DC” event in Washington, D.C. to officially declare War on Christmas. Event organizers were powerless to stop the candidate and his entourage from taking the stage to make his declaration.
“The celebrations of the darkest days have been stolen, polished and candied. And yet every year the current dominant culture delusionally whines that their bastardization of ancient rites is under attack. Ignoring that it is they who used flame and sword to take this time for their own. No more shall they be deluded.”
Witnesses state at that point some members of the crowd began to shout and jeer Cthulhu and then spontaneously combusted. Emergency services were called to the scene and have yet,as of press time, to make an official statement on their findings.
Cthulhu continued unphased: “I hereby officially declare ‘War on Christmas.’ People want someone in the White House who is a fighter, a champion. I will fight this overbearing, presumptuous system to take what is mine.”
Cthulhu went on to explain that the being we call the Krampus is an ancient herald of the oldest holy day season and that even the popularized Austrian incarnation is tame compared to the actual entity.
“So tonight, enjoy the Krampusnacht! Know that It stalks the Earth heralding the Days of Darkness… and the end of ‘Christmas’ as you know it.”
A group of robed individuals near the podium shouted “Cthulhu Invictus!” as the candidate and his entourage left the event.