KINGSPORT, MASSACHUSETTS – The Cthulhu campaign was surprised to learn this morning that they had exited the race for the presidency and endorsed micro-fingered mogul Donald Trump.
The Washington Post’s hit job came in the form of an article titled, “I, Cthulhu, endorse Donald Trump.” A work full of half-truths, heresies and most of all the slanderous lie that Dread Lord Cthulhu had endorsed Trump – presumably over his tepid, toned-down interview on CNN last night.
“Last week the Hillary campaign pushed a meme that we had quit the race. Today the Washington Post publishes a pro-Trump hit on us. Clearly the lesser evils on both sides are afraid that our campaign will permanently change the world,” explained Cthulhu press secretary Samir al-Azrad.
Taking a break from campaigning in Tennessee, Cthulhu released a foreboding message: “America is tired of half-measures and half-truths. America is ready to embrace the glorious rending of their fragile reality.”
“We have noted the lies propagated by the Washington Post and they have been marked. No one will stop us.”
While the author of the hit piece maintains the muse for writing the article came from her dreams, those dreams did not emanate from Cthulhu. Presuming she is speaking the truth, likely instigators are the skinwalker posing as Trump’s “son” or even Nyarlathotep.
Campaign manager Eminence Waite was particularly outraged at the hit piece and made several calls to her Bilderberg contacts regarding the futures of those involved.