FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Cthulhu issues rebuke of John Boehner’s drunken rant
FRESNO, Cal. – APRIL 28, 2016 – Former U.S. Representative and Speaker of the House John Boehner, in trying to raise the evil cachet of “miserable son of a bitch” Ted Cruz, received a sharp rebuke from the Cthulhu campaign.
Cthulhu issued the following statement:
“The only being of pure evil in this race is myself. Ted Cruz is a mere pustule of greed, fear and interminable smugness on the evacuation orifice of humanity. John Boehner should well know to not catch our notice – again.”
It is little known that Boehner, seeking a way to become Speaker of the House in 2010, traveled to Innsmouth, Massachusetts to meet with members of the Esoteric Order of Dagon. Whatever transpired there assured that the prestigious position was his. He became Speaker of the House on January 5, 2011. Perhaps as a consequence of his covenant in Innsmouth, his increasing emotional instability and drinking habits doomed his ascent of power.
Campaign Press Secretary Samir al-Azrad pointed out that “things are a mess on the Republican side. Cruz is flailing as he falls farther from the peak of power – even yesterday naming amateur destructor Carly Fiorina as his imaginary vice president. Boehner gives his love to the annoying gnat that is Kasich and Trump hasn’t been entertaining in weeks.”
Samir was quick to stress that there was no such being as “Lucifer” though he didn’t fault Boehner for making the mythological reference. “Ted Cruz may be many things. He may want to create a theocracy with himself as the godhead, but there is only one entity in this race with the power, history and tentacles to claim the mantle of Evil – Cthulhu.”