KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – August 31, 2016
ARKHAM, MA — Cthulhu maintains his lead in the Miskatonic State University “Evil Index” despite heavy poaching by Clinton and continued Trump incompetence. Historically, Cthulhu’s dominance in this metric is unquestioned – but the farcical nature of this election season has turned everything on its head.
The Evil Index, generated by Miskatonic’s College of Mathematics (MSUCOM), has always been a unique addition to the presidential horserace. The Index, presumed to be a proprietary mix of polling aggregation, intense candidate research and outright sorcery, isn’t meant to predict winners or losers, but to determine which candidates are lesser or greater evils.
Released shortly after an ABC News/Washington Post poll showing Trump and Clinton being equally despised by the electorate, the Evil Index sheds unusual light on the race to be the “lesser evil” among the two major party candidates. Surprisingly, the only candidate openly calling for the end of humanity has a better favorable rating than current president Barack Obama at 53%.
The results of the Evil Index, however, seem counter-intuitive given the majority of Trump’s media coverage has been vastly negative for months.
“We stand by the results of our process. Media narratives, like the ‘Trump is Hitler’ storyline pushed by Clinton and her media cohorts, don’t have much bearing on the Index aside from their propaganda value,” said Professor Mark Bates, head of the project.
“But what hurts Trump tremendously in the Index is the appearance of intentionally throwing the election. The instability and ineffectiveness of his campaign is really challenging our methods this year.”
MSUCOM Evil Index
Results of 8/31/2016 National Survey
- Cthulhu 54% 54%
- Hillary Clinton 28% 28%
- Donald Trump 18% 18%
Hillary Clinton has leapt in the Index after the primaries not because her record has changed, but because of the comparative amateurishness of Trump in the political game. Her Index rating has also risen with increasing amounts of pay-for-play evidence using an ingenious series of charities as cover. But what is really irking the Cthulhu campaign is her drive to acquire the endorsements of the most belligerent neoconservatives, normally Cthulhu’s natural constituency. She already counts Robert Kagan, John Negoponte and other neocon luminaries among her new allies and is even pressing longtime Cthulhu ally Henry Kissinger for his fealty.
Donald Trump holds a distant third. Despite strong rhetoric, evidence of actual “evil-doing” is hard to come by. Despite recent claims by the Clinton camp that he is a psychopath there is a disappointing lack of body count. At best, according to MSUCOM, “he ranks as a third-rate flim-flam next to Hillary and Cthulhu.”
“The next 69 days will be a test for the Cthulhu campaign. The good news is Clinton’s bottomless budget isn’t helping her. The bad news is that his ‘greatest evil’ messaging is being muddled by his opponents’ desperation,” Bates said. “Strangely, the Cthulhu folks seem quite pleased with this.”