KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – AUGUST 26, 2015

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Cthulhu has hired Samir al-Azrad, an experienced media operative, as he ramps up his presidential campaign operations.

al-Azrad is joining Cthulhu’s campaign as Press Secretary.

“I’m excited to join Cthulhu’s team. I look forward to communicating Cthulhu’s grand ideas for a New Golden Age and for providing opportunity for all Americans,” al-Azrad told the Post.

al-Azrad, who is from Connecticut, joins Cthulhu after serving as communication director for law firm Wolfram and Hart. Previously, he served communications director for Enron, Exxon, Roxxon and Electronic Arts. He also spent time working as media relations manager for Yoyodyne Corporation and Goldman Sachs.

“It shows the Cthulhu camp is bringing on serious talent, seasoned folks who know how to spin gold from dross,” said Heather Johnson, former Republican National Committee media director, who left for the private sector in 2015. “His role for Wolfram and Hart went beyond just communications director. We heard rumors he took a more proactive role in developing their media narrative. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

Biff Whitehall, who served as deputy director in charge of minority outreach for Romney in 2012, said it was typical of an Independent candidate who prides himself on being the Greatest Evil to hire an Arab of dubious descent.

The Cthulhu campaign was quick to put down Whitehall’s racism: “Whitehall’s remark is reflective of a status quo so secure in their tenuous grasp of reality that they feel as if belittling humans based on their parentage is to be applauded. We hope that Whitehall will look to the skies on the next clear night and reflect upon his prejudices as he is confronted by the Unspeakable and Unnameable.”

Samir was very open about his family history. He is the child of Syrian immigrants who came to the United States in the 1950’s. Family lore holds that one of his ancestors wrote one of the greatest literary and scientific works in the 8th century only to have the book, Al Azif, lost to time.

“But that is all in the past,” he said. “What interests the Cthulhu campaign is how we can make an impact now and in the future. In case you haven’t been paying attention, the presidential field is a complete mess. People are turning away from this pack of professional incompetents and are ready to embrace an Independent candidate for President. We’re not going to offer people false hope, we will offer concrete, competent change.”

al-Azrad did not elaborate on what the campaign was planning other than to say that they would be taking full advantage of grassroots efforts to circumvent the country’s death grip on a two party system.

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