KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 6, 2016
COLUMBUS, OHIO — Presidential candidate Cthulhu held a short press conference in Columbus, Ohio, where he excoriated his “lesser evil” opponents.
In the wake of defeats in the Wisconsin primary that may signal turning points in both frontrunner campaigns, Cthulhu renewed attacks on his competitors:
“Look at the pathetic worm of a human Donald Trump is. Beaten by a roach who is despised by all who know him. Trump is no great evil but empty bluster.”
“Look at the wretched liar that is Hillary Clinton. Beaten by an old man who doesn’t understand the forces he is dealing with. Clinton is no great evil but crass narcissism.”
“When one looks at the incompetent campaigns of these broken mortals the conclusion is obvious. There is only one Great Evil in this race.”
Reporter Jim Bennett from the Washington Post asked a question about R’lyehian tax havens, but soon fainted, blood streaming from his eyes and nose.
“There will be no questions,” said Cthulhu.
He and his entourage then left for their next campaign stop in Indiana.
There is no question that America is ready to embrace the greatest evil this year.