Beretta Nova interviews Cthulhu press secretary Samir al-Azrad as part of her Dread and Revulsion on the Campaign Trail ’16 series

Reprinted with permission.

There is a dark undercurrent to the whole spectacle of elections that the press never tells you. That’s not our job. We’re selling the illusion that these people know what the hell they’re doing.

Civilians can’t handle the idea that their leaders are just as clueless as they are. And they certainly wouldn’t believe there is a simmering conflict between global elitists and the world devourers. That kind of guff gets you sent to Arkham Asylum.

All the average citizen wearing state-approved blinders need know is this election is about an entitled highbinder from Arkansas and an entitled rentier from New York City — and the humanity-ingesting god Cthulhu. An election mix that creates more problems than it solves.

Unless you happen to conclude that the extinction of homo sapiens is the only logical resolution to this insult to our intelligence — which is exactly what Samir al-Azrad, press secretary for the Cthulhu campaign, is selling.

Baretta Nova: It’s the end of the second presidential debate where both candidates appeared to hold their own. Where do you see Cthulhu’s position in the public’s mind?

Samir al-Azrad: There is a lot of antipathy out there for this electoral slate. Our primary job is to continue to spread the word of Cthulhu to the general population. We reached over half a million people tonight with our debate responses, so we’re still in a good place.

BN: What is your response to what could arguably be the best line of the night of Trump putting Hillary in jail?

SA: He’d be better off burying her in a graveyard.

BN: You’re saying he should…

SA: No, not that. We’ve already addressed second amendment remedies and they never took us up on our offer.

BN: So what are you getting at?

SA: Hillary’s complete collapse on September eleventh is well known. That was her last moment as a living, breathing human.

BN: You’re saying that the Democrats are running a “Dave” with a body double?

SA: That would never work. They went a step further. Reliable sources tell us that John Negroponte resurrected her.

BN: The former Bush administration official and current George Washington University professor [ed: who also endorsed Hillary in August]?

SA: He’s so much more than that. You’re underselling him. His time with the Honduras death cults changed him. He learned quite a lot, but not enough to be a master of the art.

The flies on her tonight are enough for anyone skilled in the dead to see that she’s got a rot problem. Coupled with her need for long periods of sleep and inability to stand for long periods of time, it’s apparent the reanimation process was flawed.

Ideally you want to create a raving cannibal, as we plan to do with Ronald Reagan’s remains. Instead they attempted a meat puppet. It works well enough, as you saw tonight, but their problems will only multiply over time.

BN: Going back to the second amendment remedies, what is Cthulhu’s stance on guns?

SA: Cthulhu doesn’t care how we dispose of each other, and bullets are harmless to him. Our official stance is that the right to bear arms doesn’t hinder our agenda in the least. In many respects enhances it as it empowers mankind to joyously slay each other with abandon as has been foretold.
 

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