KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 1, 2019
By Beretta Nova
The Democratic Primary expands again as Cthulhu shuns his own party at the request of Democratic Congressional leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. The Dread Lord of R’lyeh will soon announce he will be muscling in on a crowded field of twenty-one other presidential hopefuls.
Cthulhu ran as an independent in 2016 under the Elder Party aegis, yet was unsuccessful in diverting voters’ fear of a lesser evil into a widespread embrace of a greater one.
The announcement this morning by Cthulhu for America staff stunned cultists worldwide and puzzled party stalwarts.
“Pelosi knows what she’s doing. But I wonder if it’s good to have a candidate with such a difficult name to pronounce,” said Maryland Democratic State Party Treasurer Aalissyah Nevaeh Smith.
Cult of Cthulhu leader High Priest Gorgo kept faith in his deity, despite some misgivings. “Our Dark Lord would never abandon us to play such trifling low brow political games with human political hacks. Mighty Cthulhu moves in mysterious ways. There is something deliciously devious afoot.”
Spokespersons for both Pelosi and Schumer confirmed that the ritual to call upon Cthulhu was completed last night and that both leaders were happy with the bargain that was struck between the once antagonistic parties.
“What’s important is that we defeat Trump in 2020 by any means necessary,” said one party operative who was involved in the ritual held at a donor’s estate in Virginia. “By invoking Cthulhu, we’re showing our commitment to not just our patrons, but to the American people. We’re going to derail populism with a special kind of depopulism.”
Party officials have been worried for months that none of the freshly-groomed orthodox candidates like Kamala Harris or Robert O’Rourke have gained traction with an ever-restless population. To make matters worse, the party’s three-year investment in promoting fears of Russian meddling has gone up in smoke with the conclusion of Mueller’s “Russiagate” investigation.
The final decision to recruit Cthulhu came when top-polling, yet still unannounced, former-Vice President Joseph Biden was hit with the first high-profile accusation of sexual misconduct last week. Viral videos of Biden’s highly questionable conduct with young girls have been in circulation for years, but their newfound relevance threatens to derail any hope the Democratic National Committee can restore the status quo.
Former campaign manager Eminence Waite explained the Democrats’ move as desperation that can only end in ultimate destruction.
“You can’t deny radical elements like Alexandria [Ocasio-Cortez], or that accursed wizard [Bernie] Sanders, are filling gaps created by a stagnant two-party system. Yet the Democrats are mad to believe Cthulhu will only clear their primary docket of undesirable elements. He will chew through every empty suit and huckster they are pinning their 2020 prospects upon, and then He’ll start on Trump.”