KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – August 8, 2016
COLUMBUS, Ohio – Cthulhu is narrowing his choices for a running mate, intently focusing on a handful of potential candidates as his team closes in on the final week of vetting before he makes a decision this Saturday, several Elder Party cultists watching the process tell the Kingsport Star Herald.
With the major political conventions over, it is now up to Cthulhu to reveal his strategy to win the general. Many political commentators agree that Cthulhu needs to select something to drive home the message that rivals Clinton and Trump are truly lesser evils. A feat made more difficult by the strategy employed by both candidates that seeks to paint the other as the second coming of Hitler.
The list of serious vice presidential candidates is believed to be smaller rather than larger, with Cultists close to the campaign placing it at no more than five contenders. But several aides acknowledged they were not sure, considering the secrecy imposed on the process by Cthulhu’s top staffers. One thing is for certain, Cthulhu’s demigod henchman and frequent vice president Dagon will not he his choice this year. Early in the campaign last year, Dagon had to be subdued by Kingsport SWAT after he assaulted several Cthulhu staffers.
Cthulhu will not conduct formal interviews as he already has millennia of experience with all top contenders. Instead, deliberations will focus more on which candidate can drive home Cthulhu’s platform of ultimate doom for humanity on a list that includes Nyarlathotep the Crawling Chaos, Ghroth the Harbinger and Yig the Father of Serpents.
But those three should not be seen as absolute finalists, several Cultists said, only as active contenders. The roster also may include Shub Niggurath the Black Goat of a Thousand Young and star of season one of “True Detective,” the King in Yellow.
Asked about his prospects, Nyarlathotep whispered his response to our journalism intern who was later found dead – his ears mangled as if he was trying to dig blasphemous secrets from his brain.
Barabas Marsh, chairman of the Cthulhu campaign and a trusted confidante, is leading the effort, according to Cultists who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to speak about the highly-secretive process.
“The media wants to give the impression that verbal buffoonery is the equivalent of flaying small children alive. They would have you think that habitual lying is the same as rending a thousand minds asunder to the terrible majesty of the dark universe,” Marsh told the Kingsport Star Herald earlier this month. “We aim to break that infantile deception.”
Another top consideration for Cthulhu and his aides, Cultists said, is finding someone who truly believes that humanity deserves not just obliteration, but to have their comforting reality skinned before them with the pulsing meat of eternity laid bare. He, perhaps more than most presumptive nominees in recent history, knows Americans want someone who will not flirt with disaster, but bring full-blown doom to earth.
This could bode well for several entities, who aides say Cthulhu has sparred with this year, including Nyarlathotep, Ghroth, Shub-Niggurath and Yig.
Nyarlathotep, an Outer God, scourge of countless worlds, who also moonlights as one of the top Ibiza DJs, is one of the few prospects with executive experience. He also speaks billions of languages, often conducting interviews worldwide in the native tongue. While he is not a die-hard annihilist, he does have a strong record of spreading violent madness through sick beats and outright trickery. Many Cultists think he would be the perfect foil to the wily Clintons.
Yig is seen as relatively unknown despite being having been worshiped worldwide by many native religions for generations. Superficially, many think a Yig pick would be pandering to the Native American and Latino vote, but that would ignore his long history of blood-covered pyramids and a solid resume of triggering reptilian fear in our primate brains. Many Cultists fear that his terrestrial focus might be seen as a liability to an electorate seeking total existential annihilation.
Shub-Niggurath is seen as someone ready and willing to attack anyone and whose long history as a fertility deity could derail Hillary Clinton’s focus on the female vote. She (although to be honest none of the veep candidates have a specific gender) can excite voters in agriculture strongholds like California, Iowa and Wisconsin. Many worry that her focus on the creation of monstrosities is not a good fit for Cthulhu’s platform of ending it all.
While the King in Yellow is being actively considered, several Cultists close to both beings are skeptical he will be selected. Firstly, he seems more focused on furthering his Hollywood career but, more importantly, Americans are very unlikely to vote for a monarch.
Finally, Ghroth the Harbinger – most famously known as the “Giant Meteor” from Public Policy Polling a month ago – might be the co-pilot to energize the electorate in a “unity” ticket between those who want a quick death and those who believe humanity deserves a grand apocalypse of epic proportions. The biggest block, and Cultists are not shy in stating it, is that Cthulhu and the Meteor of Doom have had a highly antagonistic relationship in their respective campaigns. Some even see Cthulhu’s recent collaboration with NASA as a move toward assassinating his rival.
Kingsport Star Herald’s Beretta Nova contributed to this report.