FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Cthulhu on Clinton: Only lesser evils meet with the FBI
WASHINGTON, DC – July 2, 2016 – Chief Cthulhu rival, Hillary Clinton, is set to be interrogated by the FBI today.
As reported by The Daily Caller, she will be interviewed at her Washington, DC, residence.
Clinton is under investigation for her use of a private server to conceal and destroy public records, many with beyond Top Secret designation, in addition to a criminal probe into her use of the Clinton Foundation to launder bribe money.
The Cthulhu campaign is wishing her all the best.
“First, we want her to stay in the race. We’re polling incredibly well across the nation with two despised major party candidates,” said Cthulhu press secretary Samir al-Azrad.
“Secondly, the fact that the Clintons are continually embroiled in one wrongdoing after another is proof they are exceedingly incompetent when it comes to evil deeds.”
Samir maintains that Clinton is solely a lesser evil. “Her focus is on personal enrichment. Whatever resulting destruction or destabilization occurs is by pure accident. She can’t hold a candle to the scale of destruction envisioned by Cthulhu.”
The scheduling of this interview, after stalling it since May, might have been spurred by the secret meeting between Bill Clinton and Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Loretta Lynch is a longtime friend of the Clintons. Despite also owing her career to them, Lynch has refused to recuse herself from the case.
Cthulhu had no opinion on the eventual outcome, but was quick to point out the stark contrast between their campaigns.
“Only lesser evils meet with the FBI. Ether through incompetence or a flawed human psyche that wishes to be praised for clever schemes, it matters not. The public can already see that I am the greatest evil running for president.”