KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 1, 2016

KINGSPORT, MASSACHUSETTS — Temporal difficulties plagued the Cthulhu campaign’s headquarters in Kingsport, MA, this morning as internet service switched to an alternate timeline.

Throughout the morning Cthulhu’s website and social media accounts spouted feeds from an alternate timeline. In that universe Hillary Clinton, fearing prosecution, dropped out of the presidential race and endorsed Cthulhu. The other candidates, from Trump to Sanders, were happy to see her exit the race and sharpened their political knives for Cthulhu.

Laughed off as an April Fool’s Day prank, the error illustrates that in some dimensions Cthulhu will have an easier time winning the presidency.

Samir al-Azrad, Cthulhu’s press secretary, disagrees.

“Obviously, the collapse of the Clinton political machine made a power vacuum we would have been quick to exploit. But other problems arise when you play out the scenario, especially when I found out that Skypeing myself in the other timeline was possible.”

While this temporal snafu may seem bizarre to many, to the residents of Kingsport it’s just another day.

“Heck, last week everything we typed into the computer came out backwards. I was on hold for 5 hours to get it fixed when it cleared up on it’s own,” said David Dupuis, a local fisherman.

Complaints of sporadic or slow internet service is nothing new to customers of Comcast, however the strange properties of the town itself have introduced new challenges that Comcast seems ill-equipped to counter.

“For about a week, we had nothing but Japanese stations on our cable. They never came out and fixed it, but fined us for stealing the Japanese channels,” said Kelsey Litchfield, pharmacist and PTA leader.

Comcast executive Michael McCleskey placed the blame solely on his customers.

“No one gives a shit what they complain about. If they don’t like it they can cancel and do without their Honey Boo Boos and the Twitters.”

Comcast holds exclusive cable rights to the Kingsport area.

Local historian, Audrey Mercurio, was able to shed some light on the cable service mysteries. Kingsport has always had a haunted history. Most famously, strange lights are frequently seen on top of Kingport Head, a large cliff bordering the town to the north. Others note strange sightings along the Jersey Reef.

“Paranormal investigators always love coming here since many of these events have been happening for over a century, but still remain unexplained. It’s not curious that even our electronic equipment is effected.”

Indeed, the strange and unexplained is often met with indifference in Kingsport.
 
 

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