The Cthulhu for America Campaign gave exclusive access to Kingsport Star Herald reporter Cassandra Plourde to our nationwide Saturnalia tour promoting a return to the tradition of the Old Ways. You can find the other entries here: Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6Part 7


KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – DECEMBER 22, 2015

DENVER, COLORADO — Cheesman Park in Denver may have a reputation for being haunted, but the only spirits being raised tonight were a few thousand Colorado young adults. Much like the movie Poltergeist, the park sits on top of a former cemetery whose occupants were never moved.

DJ Fishheads cycled through vintage industrial, dubstep, speed metal and EDM favorites in a 4 hour tour de force sponsored by the Cthulhu for President campaign.

“We felt that none of the presidential candidates wants to reach out to the youth vote, since many millennials understand that the establishment will never offer something new,” explained Colorado for Cthulhu Chairman Alan Burns. “It’s ironic that the oldest candidate – by far – is the one who can connect with them best.”

Press Secretary Samir al-Azrad offered some more background on the event: “The energy of youth is a vital part of our Saturnalian festivities. The chaos of the holiday is a return to our earlier days when everything and anything was possible. Reanimating the spirit, in a manner of speaking.”

Most popular by far was the free energy drink stand operated by Energize West. Their glowing concoctions were in the hands of every participant. Most popular was a pulsing green potion that, like Gatorade, had a vague chemical-y citrus flavor. Called Ranima, it had a potent kick that made me get assurances it was non-alcoholic and legal.

As the event wound down and the crowd began to exit the park, volunteers handed out voter registration cards and “How to Write-in Cthulhu” instructions.

There was a shooting incident at 1:15am as vendors were breaking camp. Eyewitnesses say that a young Caucasian male opened fire on the last exiting partygoers, but his aim was so bad no one needed medical attention. The shooter has been identified as Michal Gallop, an Army veteran, and has been charged with reckless endangerment.

If Cthulhu is as lucky as those young men and women who dodged bullets, he’s certain to win the election.

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