KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – September 7, 2017
KINGSPORT, MA – A new leak from Clinton’s upcoming revenge novel “What Happened?” details how third party candidate Cthulhu contributed to her electoral loss last year. Joining a long list of over 50 individuals, organizations, and governments who conspired against her, Cthulhu, through his spokesperson Meghan Taglington, was not surprised Clinton sought to draw his ire.
“Cthulhu has been making deals for millennia with mortal slime, and He knew any deal with Clinton would be a bad one. This also went for Trump, who failed to obtain favor with Cthulhu.”
The book except in question was released online by the Cthulhu campaign this morning.
— Cthulhu for America (@cthulhu4america) September 7, 2017
Of all the enemies arrayed before me, the worst was Cthulhu. It was always running for President. Every. Four. Years. I told his people to back off multiple times. Did they listen? I even set up a meeting that August to buy them out of the race. They were making it difficult for me to turn Trump into the Soviet Klansman Hitler I needed to secure my victory. They never showed up. Which was just as well because I was never going to give them anything. I’ve read Art of the Deal.
However, I still needed assurances that the dark forces of the abyss were on my side. I had already collected several of their known servitors working in government to my side. But I needed to know the Elder Gods backed my ascension. It’s no secret that many of the families supporting me had, at one time or another, benefited from transactions with gods such as these. It was through those contacts that I had secured several of my resume building posts with little effort. But I was heading for the top and I wanted no last minute interference.
Huma had fetched the book I needed from the Library of Congress’ vault as commanded. Peter (not Clinton) was available to handle the virgins we acquired from Haiti — he likes the dirty work. Marina and John were to perform the ceremony since they loved this spiritual junk. I just wanted results.
The ritual was a complete failure – no matter how many bodies dropped to the floor. Cthulhu would not answer my summons. I accepted no apologies from my servants and drove them from my mansion in a fury. How dare Cthulhu ignore me!
The next day, I brought my problem to Henry Kissinger, who I felt I could trust. He is also the most devious person I know, aside from myself. Even at his age you can smell the searing musk of power from the tormented souls he’s collected. That scent has always thrilled me.
It was also the day he refused to endorse me. Another betrayer! I began to think I had not slaughtered enough to appease the lords of darkness. But no — those formless beings of chaos must be absolutely sexist.
Like every enemy in her book, she blasts Cthulhu for refusing to bow to her demands. But maybe she should perform some self-reflection on why she’s so toxic that even the Dread Lord of R’lyeh would not trust her word.
Cthulhu’s book of the 2016 campaign, Dread and Revulsion: On the Campaign Trail ’16, will be released this October.