KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 1, 2016
ALGOMA, WISCONSIN — News of Hillary Clinton exiting the presidential race shocked the political world, perhaps none more so than the campaigns of her former competitors.
While Donald Trump held no scheduled events today, we were able to reach him via phone.
“We never heard of it. Never. We’re just as shocked as you. Obviously it’s a tremendous deal. And, really, it’s the best deal I’ve gotten. Tremendously happy,” said Donald Trump.
“Of course we had some great stuff, some incredibly dirty stuff to take her down. And that’s not sexist. I know that’s what you types say about me. I love women. They’re great people. I hire them all the time.”
When asked about Hillary’s endorsement of third party candidate Cthulhu, he sidestepped the question.
“Cah-wha? Who? Why the hell would she endorse an Indian? From India, not those other ones. Hard to tell sometimes,” said Donald Trump. “But I tell you, that’s what Hillary does. Sell American jobs to India. I tell you something, that’s not what I would do. I’m going to make America great again. It’s going to be fantastic.”
New front-runner in the Democratic race, Senator Bernie Sanders released a short statement.
“We are not surprised that she did this. I saw this coming decades ago with the corrupt political campaign system that is killing jobs and the middle class. That she would opt to endorse a world killing demon from beyond the veil of time and space should surprise no one.”
Rafael “Ted” Cruz was ecstatic at the news.
“This is a sign from God Almighty that I must win this nomination and the presidency. I have been anointed by holy men and I am ready to do battle with Satan.”
“I call upon all good men of appropriate faith to stand with me as we face the devil and conquer the seven mountains of dominion in God Almighty’s name,” proclaimed Cruz.
The Cthulhu campaign took the news in stride.
“We are looking at bringing in some of the best players from her campaign right now,” said Eminence Waite, Cthulhu’s campaign manager. “David Brock, John Podesta, Peter Daou and others have the right thirst for blasphemous behavior that makes them welcome in our campaign. We can’t wait to see how they carve up a baby.”
Cthulhu himself had some sharp words for Ted Cruz, “Cruz will soon discover he clings to a fictional deity; cobbled together to keep humanity blind to the true nature of the universe.”
“This campaign is one of conquest. One by one our foes shall fall before me. My cultists will dance in the stygian darkness smothering the world. And I shall feast on the remnants of humanity.”
Photo credit: Nick Solari