Visitor log leaks at the White House expose eldritch influence on Trump administration
KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 20, 2017
NEW YORK CITY – Long silent in public, but not hiding in the woods, the Cthulhu Cult has gained the orange-stained ear of President Trump. Former comedian Stephen Colbert exposed the post-election machinations of Cthulhu on “The Late Show.” The anti-Trump crusader displayed a leaked White House visitor log showing Cthulhu as a frequent visitor.
Cthulhu’s former campaign manager Eminence Waite confirmed that Cthulhu has been pressing his agenda forward, as he has for thousands of years.
“It took weeks for Henry Kissinger to coach Trump on how to pronounce Cthulhu before we could even start indoctrination. But as you can tell from the news lately, we’ve been successful in not only keeping global tensions high, but elevating them.”
The Cthulhu Cult also takes credit for Steve Bannon’s removal from Trump’s inner circle.
“He had a crazy impression we were another player in global geopolitics that could be quelled with some badly pronounced Enochian twaddle. Now he’s just crazy.”
Ms. Waite declined to reveal more about Cthulhu’s plans but did have a message for the Cthulhu faithful: “Cthulhu is eternal, but mankind’s days are numbered.”