Cthulhu’s Offer Made as Many Americans Begin Questioning Democrat Joe Biden’s Mental Sanity
Cthulhu’s brief entry into Democratic Party politics ended early this morning with the deaths of thirty-four DNC staffers at the party’s office in Boston.
Cthulhu joins the Democratic Party primary process after being ritually invoked by Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
An Innsmouth official offered genetic assistance to Senator Elizabeth Warren after a DNA test failed to stem criticism of her Native American claims.
A Cthulhu presidency would be most American’s dream payback for inflicting the tacky bombasticism of Trump upon the nation.
Beretta Nova reviews the Cthulhu Cult’s new motivation book “Your Stars Are Wrong: Wisdom for the Coming Age of Cthulhu.” Deplorable memes, unmentionable truths, and eldritch secrets abound in this new volume by Samir al-Azrad.
Hours after Cthulhu announced his intention to sponsor China, debris from Chinese space station Tiangong-1 fell on the outskirts of sunken continent R’lyeh.
China’s ruler for life, President Xi Jinping, now has a rival for control of the world’s next superpower. Cthulhu’s cult announced today that their Dread Lord no longer favored the floundering American republic and was looking to the future.
A new leak from Clinton’s upcoming revenge novel “What Happened?” details how third party candidate Cthulhu contributed to her electoral loss last year.
A new tell-all book is set to overrun Hillary Clinton’s fictional work, also based on the 2016 presidential election, in September.
Cthulhu on Monday unveiled its new political action organization, Onward Together Hastening Eldritch Renascence (OTHERPAC), which will fundraise for countless cults nationwide.
Former comedian Stephen Colbert partially revealed the post-election machinations of Cthulhu last night on “The Late Show.”
He is an idea, a world-theological archfiend, darkness itself.
An exclusive inside look at the Cthulhu campaign on Election Day. Or, as they call it, Summoning Day.
Read these heartfelt letters from Democrats and Republicans who are voting country over party to support Cthulhu.
“I have no trust in the two-party system.”
Four days to the election and the collective human hive is abuzz with the revelation of Clinton campaign’s connection to satanic rituals. Does this hurt Cthulhu’s chances?
This is historic.
Why we would cast our hypothetical vote for Cthulhu
We believe that Cthulhu is not only the best candidate for the job, but the only candidate.
FT chief editorial writer Robert Armstrong claimed that Cthulhu plans to “spare a few humans.”
Ain’t no better time to summon the sleeping god than now.
That we endorse Cthulhu for president should come as no surprise. There really is no other choice.
Pro-Hillary PACs are dragging Cthulhu into their stale lesser evil argument. What the Cthulhu campaign does next may surprise you.
I continue to hear from many people who call themselves annihilists or apocalyptians, but tell me they won’t vote for Cthulhu in the upcoming election.
While Blumenthal specializes in obtaining classified documents on the sly, Podesta’s great love is for extraterrestrials.
As early voting begins and election day nears it’s important that cultists nationwide understand our path to victory.
The election of Cthulhu is an event that we will welcome for its immense existential importance, and greet with indescribable relief.
Samhain is truly our time to show Cultist Pride, our devotion to Dread Lord Cthulhu – and get out the vote. Here are some ways to do it!
Tonight, Clinton and Trump will bore America with their daddy issues. Here’s what a real presidential candidate would say.
You get to make the choice.
With our nation facing political rot on the inside and barbarians at the gates, now is no time for sophistry. It is time for America to acknowledge this dead end path and place the noose squarely around her neck.
The appalling spectacle for this election season, scripted by the gilded hands of your betters, has been a gauche display of vulgarity.
Cthulhu’s press secretary talks about necromantic errors and the second amendment.
The presidential candidate talks adolescent genocides, professional rivalries, and haunted crypt-island essentials.
For the first time since The Pacific’s founding, the editors endorse a candidate for president. The case for Cthulhu.
There is only one serious candidate on the presidential ballot in November. We recommend Dread Lord Cthulhu.
While the Wikileaks “October Surprise”never materialized last night, this morning Cthulhu delivered a surprise of his own.
A young woman sent Cthulhu this letter about how the media’s over-the-top lesser evil-ism may have provided her mom a moment of clarity during this critical election.
One of the most deplorable aspects of this presidential race is the legitimization it has provided to dangerous fringe candidates like Cthulhu.
The Cthulhu and Clinton campaigns sparred on Friday with competing national programs aimed at keeping a restless population occupied.
Since The Kingsport Star Herald began publication in 1743, we have never endorsed a candidate for president. Until now.
America has lost the first presidential debate. There is no spinning it any other way. America saw two ego-maniacal candidates. Neither one is ready to be president.
As usual, the Democrats and Republicans are afraid of challengers to the establishment duopoly and have excluded Cthulhu from the event.
Much is said about millennials by my opponents. We say something far different.
The Cthulhu campaign released a document showing that he fulfills the citizenship requirement to hold the office of President of the United States.
Beretta Nova interviews Cthulhu campaign manager Eminence Waite as part of her Dread and Revulsion on the Campaign Trail ’16 series
Share with us your boldest, most daring videos or selfies promoting Cthulhu for President with hashtag #ReadyForCthulhu for a chance to win an exclusive All-Star Volunteer shirt every week until the election.
Hillary’s endorsements from belligerent foreign policy bureaucrats stalled today when Henry Kissinger declined to endorse her.
Cthulhu maintains his lead in the Miskatonic State University “Evil Index” despite heavy poaching by Clinton and continued Trump incompetence.
Let’s make this race too scary, too consequential and too close for people to think clearly and then use their confusion to our electoral advantage.
Hillary Clinton attempted to demonize her clownish opponent in a speech by misattributing a Cthulhu campaign slogan to Donald Trump.
The Crawling Chaos’ experience at spreading delirium and horror makes him uniquely qualified to help craft an apocalypse that works for everyone and professionally send American families to oblivion.
The follow up to the Clinton campaign’s successful #NakedTrump stunt, #NakedCthulhu, has left the artist in need of professional care.
Cthulhu cultists working at CERN successfully summoned the entity who will head Cthulhu’s presidential transition team.
Cthulhu has chosen Outer God Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos, to be his running mate, adding the chaotic force to the Elder Party-supported ticket, he announced Saturday.
Unlike the earlier Republican and Democratic conventions, Elder Party cultists have a united vision entering their weekend of activism, political assassination and debauchery.
Cthulhu’s social media account was sabotaged by Ghroth the Harbinger (known also as the Giant Meteor or Sweet Meteor of Death) today when an endorsement quickly turned into insult.
The Cthulhu campaign challenges assassination-happy candidates Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton to a Presidential Death Race.
Cthulhu is narrowing his choices for a running mate as his team closes in on the final week of vetting.
Now begins the terrible season of politics, made rough with the discontent of the masses as we slide headlong into the intestinal maze of the American body politic.
One of the best ways you can help Cthulhu right now is to send your darkest magick Hillary Clinton’s way.
Chief Cthulhu rival and lesser evil, Hillary Clinton, is set to be interrogated by the FBI today at her Washingon, DC, residence.
PPP Polling reported that a generic “meteor” has a 13 percent share of the presidential election – neglecting to include the one, true candidate of doom – Cthulhu.
Presidential candidate Cthulhu and his entourage arrived early at the Johnson Space Center in Texas for an unscheduled and secretive meeting.
Cthulhu has reached an unbelievable 55% favorability in a new national poll.
The secrecy of the meeting of approximately 160 of the most powerful men in the western world always leads to flights of conspiratorial fancy. However it’s no theory that the Cthulhu campaign made their case to back him over Hillary Clinton to the world’s elite.
Cthulhu calls out President Obama for endorsing compulsive equivocator Hillary Clinton – citing Democratic desperation to buoy the uninspiring candidate.
Several top level campaign staffers have left the campaign trail to attend this year’s secretive Bilderberg Group meeting in Dresden, Germany.
Independent presidential candidate Cthulhu is making a pitch to supporters of Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders.
Cthulhu started the month of June picking up an endorsement from the Master of Monsters, Guillermo del Toro.
Cthulhu released a list of potential Supreme Court nominees on Tuesday in a move designed to head off concerns of who is the most evil candidate in the presidential race.
Auditions a #NeverTrump savior are being cast wide, but GOP political consultant Rick Wilson opened the field even further by stating “I’ll vote for Cthulhu.”
If you’ve been searching for the “cultist card” that our opponents say is the only reason Cthulhu holds more trust than they do, look no further.!
“Muck Dynasty” patriarch Freddie Dolan will support Dread Cthulhu in the fall despite endorsing his rival Jeb Bush seven months ago, he said Monday.
Former U.S. Representative and Speaker of the House John Boehner, in trying to raise the evil cachet of Ted Cruz, received a sharp rebuke from Cthulhu.
Cthulhu for America snatched nobarriers2016.com from under the nose of a new propaganda group formed by the Clinton campaign.
After shadowing Republicans and Democrats across the country in their presidential primaries, Cthulhu has become the most respected candidate in the race.
The editorial board of The Boston Globe was set to print a fake front page featuring Cthulhu as president when financial considerations caused them to switch to Donald Trump.
John Podesta, Campaign Chair for Hillary Clinton, indirectly threatened the Cthulhu campaign with exposure of all government records relating to UFOs and extraterrestrial life.
Presidential candidate Cthulhu held a short press conference in Columbus, Ohio, where he excoriated his “lesser evil” opponents.
Normally a quiet small town, Point Pleasant is now occupied by Federal forces seeking at least five men and women in connection to a legal ritual human sacrifice.
Cthulhu Cult of Central Florida is providing a strong ground game for the Cthulhu campaign that will make it competitive in this year’s presidential race.
Temporal difficulties plagued the Cthulhu campaign’s headquarters in Kingsport, MA, this morning as internet service switched to an alternate timeline.
News of Hillary Clinton exiting the race shocked the political world, perhaps none more so than the campaigns of her former competitors.
Cultists representing independent presidential candidate Cthulhu will be marching, slowly, in the April 1, Spooky Empire Zombie Walk in Orlando.
The Miskatonic State University College of Mathematics released its first Presidential Election Predictions report today.
The Cthulhu campaign was surprised to learn via the Washington Post they had exited the race for the presidency and endorsed micro-fingered mogul Donald Trump.
Dark Lord and 2016 Independent candidate for president Cthulhu released the following statement regarding Tuesday’s primaries.
Hillary Clinton’s dirty tricks squad released a viral image of “breaking news” that Cthulhu had dropped out of the presidential race.
The entire town of Gilbertville mysteriously did not return any Super Tuesday results in either the Democratic or Republican primaries.
Zane Felix completely misunderstands what happened in Arkham, Innsmouth, Dunwich and Kingsport.
Miskatonic State University released the results of their first national “Evil” poll of the election season in time for Super Tuesday.
President Obama today announced that he was nominating Dr. Carla Hayden to be the new Librarian of Congress. We call on her to reopen Vault 23.
It has come to our attention that MIT student James Cullen and his associate Terry White are trying to scandalize our campaign by falsely associating us with their “disappearances.”
Dread Lord Cthulhu issued the following statement on the passing of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
Cthulhu has been officially nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, according to Henriette Aasen, Nobel watcher and director of the Peace Research Cooperative of Oslo.
The tasteful debauchery of the largest networking opportunity for the world’s elite was muted after a tough, but honest, presentation by Eminence Waite.
Coloration of the flesh is the least of your worries; you are frail, short-lived creatures. And so I have come here today to show you the remedy for this embarrassing condition.
As this small blue planet completes another orbital cycle, we take one quick glance backward at the darkness of history pursuing us as we run toward 2016.
The lonely stretch of Shi Shi Beach was the setting for the last night of Saturnalian revelry.
The decaying Casa Grande Domes outside Phoenix, Arizona, set the stage for a melding of ancient tradition and post-modern culture.
Cheesman Park in Denver may have a reputation for being haunted, but the only spirits being raised tonight were a few thousand Colorado young adults.
Cthulhu and his followers certainly had a raucous time given the amount of flute playing and shouting echoing across the surrounding hills.
What began as a political campaign holiday party has ended in bloodshed and a manhunt.
The Wyndham Grand in Pittsburg was at capacity last night for Cthulhu’s second night of Saturnalian revelry.
The Cthulhu Campaign’s Saturnalia event at the Rhode Island Convention Center in Providense last night was a red carpet affair of both stars and rogues.
Janice and her committed fellow cultists descended upon a Minnesota Starbucks with a message that our sacred holidays will not be mocked.
Cthulhu made a surprise appearance at a Krampusnacht event in Washington, D.C., to officially declare War on Christmas.
Point Pleasant affirms religious liberty with overwhelming vote to legalize ritual human sacrifice.
The Cthulhu for America team closes our month-long celebration of our global network of dedicated cultists ready to do what needs be done to open the gates.
Meet Acantha: a 12-year-old cultist who wants to grow up in a world where the cults of Cthulhu are given equal religious liberty.
The Cthulhu for America team is celebrating our core cultist constituency as our high holiday approaches.
The Cthulhu for America team is celebrating our core cultist constituency throughout this sacred month.
Presidential candidate Cthulhu finally breaks his silence on Bernie Sanders. Cthulhu and campaign manager Eminence Waite gave the Kingsport Star Herald an exclusive interview the day of the first Democratic debate.
The Cthulhu for America team is celebrating our core cultist constituency throughout this sacred month.
The Trans Pacific Partnership is not evil enough.
This morning the Cthulhu for America campaign rolled out a new initiative to have Great Cthulhu added to presidential polling.
Dagon surfaced last week intent on joining Cthulhu’s presidential efforts. Within hours he was escorted out of Cthulhu’s campaign HQ by Kingsport SWAT.
Cthulhu unleashed another attack on the Republican front-runner Donald Trump with a new ad calling him “a lesser evil for lesser men.”
First interview with Cthulhu and his opinions on war, human sacrifice and Trump/Hillary.
Cthulhu has hired a Republican strategist to manage his presidential campaign and has recruited other veteran operatives with controversial histories.
Candidate for US President Cthulhu strongly urged parents to let their children delve into the occult without supervision.
Cthulhu kicked his campaign into high gear today criticizing Bush and Trump for not going far enough in their plans dealing with anchor babies.
Samir al Azrad, who served as communication director for Wolfram and Hart will serve as press secretary for the Cthulhu campaign for president, the Washington Post has learned.
Transcript of the speech given by presidential candidate Cthulhu opening his 2016 presidential campaign at Miskatonic University on Aug 24, 2015.